How to Get Ready for Church by Bryce Vandygriff

When mom tells you that you’ll be leaving soon, announce that you cannot possibly go to church because you do not look handsome.

Demand “one of those white shirts” or you’re not going.

Refuse to go upstairs to change. Scary things lurk at the top of the stairs.

Convince your brother to watch you go upstairs. He will surely leap up 15 ft. over the railing and fight off any assailants you might encounter on your quest for “one of those white shirts.”

Ransack your closet. Pull every garment that has any bit of white in it off the hangar. Scream down that you don’t have any white shirts! You only have a lab coat.

Put on a nasty old black long sleeve t-shirt and grubby cut off shorts.

When Mom gives in and comes up to help, explain that you cannot go to church in a lab coat (which is actually a white dress shirt with a pocket on the front), but you can be talked into a blue dress shirt.

Refuse to take off your nasty black shirt because you might get “really really cold.”

Put on your shirt and tie and head downstairs to put the shorts your Mom threw down earlier on.

Cram your dress shirt into your shorts and leave the fly open so it hangs out. Don’t bother with the underwear.

When you’re all put together, lay down in the dog’s bed so you get nice and hairy.

Douse yourself in “smells like death” cologne and tell your brother he looks dumb next to you.

Pose for a picture. It doesn’t get better than this.


Head to church and say an extra prayer for your Ma. She looks a little stressed.